I really recommend reading the first one before starting here.
Meet the Yamazakis: Part 2 - Taming the Beast
Basically I'm gonna continue the story where I left off.
So yeah... as I hear her coming towards the door, a flash selection of numerous images go through my head: A very angry woman possibly holding somthing heavy and sharp, a naval ensign flag waving nationalist, hell, even a actual beast from the depths of hell. But then I saw her. Good god, it was the last thing I was expecting.
She was holding neither a weapon, a flag, nor did she have the smell of hellfire and brimstone.
No...She was a milf. A card carrying straight up milf.
I was taken back with shock. So much so that I was convinced I saw a tail behind her legs, but no...they were just normal, cute legs. Convinced she was human I looked back up, looked her in the face and clinched. "This is it James, this is going to go swimmingly or just plain retarded. Just smile and say your name and give her the gift". "Nice to me.." was all I managed to get out until she elegantly placed out her hand and said "Nice to meet you James, welcome to our home, you look quite tired". She was waiting for me to introduce myself again whilst making a light glance upon the ribbon tied gift. The girlfriend nudged me in the arm "give her the gift!! hurry!" So I did so. I said: "Its really nothing, but this is for you.." and placed the package out with both arms stretched. Her reaction was like what most Japanese females do, she gasped a sharp breath and covered her mouth with her hands for a couple of seconds. She then took the gift and immediately looked under it - again something that Japanese girls oddly love to do. Seriously try it out; give a gift to a friend and watch them immediately look under it before actually opening it.Anyways, she giggled and bit and bolted into the living room with the present.
That shit cost me 3000 yen so would I hell miss out on her opening the gift. I decided to make my way to the living room in the quickest way possible, without it looking like I was actually chasing her around the house. I actually stupidly stepped onto the wooden plaque with my trainers still on. She didn't see that, but the Father behind me sure did.
"Ah James, you must always take your shoes off before you enter a Japanese house - don't forget this is Japan" he stated whilst wagging his finger in a way that a man wags his finger at his beloved dog after he goes do do on his favourite rug. I was actually half-waiting for him to rub my face in the smudge my trainer made. "Sorry Sorry! It won't happen again!" I yelped whilst bowing repeatedly. He takes his shoes off, one by one, softly tucks the laces inside and places them directly beneath the frame of the wooden block. It was so put on that I had to giggle a bit. I didn't want to go against the 5 second old shoe placing tradition of the Yamazaki household so I proceeded to do the exact same thing. If I had ruler with me, I really, really would have used it.
Right, so my shoes were off and my Homer Simpson socks were now on display. But luckily they didn't give them a second glance, so I was in the green this time. This put me back to level one which was to get into the living room to see the mothers reaction to my gift. A rather loud "Kawaii kore!!" came from the living room. I was too late. If I hadn't been calculating the 3 dimensions of the hall so I could impress the father with my shoe placing skills, I would have made it, but alas...
I walked into the living room expecting her eratic burst of "its cute" to end, but thankfully I was wrong. Thankfully more, she was kind enough to wait for me to actually be there so she could actually open the present. It turns out she found the ribbon to be cute. Maybe she was too busy looking at the bottom of the package to notice the ribbon on top of it, I dunno.Anyway, I asked her to open it. So she did, but she did so in a rather peculiar way. First she placed the package on the table facing me, then she stood behind it. With one hand she held the base down, and with the other unwrapped the ribbon and opened the lid. It was as if she was opening Pandora's Box and chose to convieniently place it facing me so that all the trapped evils of the world within would leap out and destroy me, giving her enough time to make a speedy get away. But I laughed it off, and clearly come to the conclusion that I was thinking too much of the situation. I blame Pythagoras's popular theorem on placing shoes on the floor without pissing angry Japanese fathers off.
Anyways...She finally opens the package. Again, another burst of "Kawaii!" erupted. I really don't know what is "Kawaii" about a bunch of assorted French chocolates but I assumed her wording embedded a positive meaning. Maybe that, or its the Japanese way of being polite when given mediocre gifts. In typical Japanese fashion, she repackaged the gift and place it upon their mantlepiece. Unfortunately they had no such thing, so their dusty piano in the middle of the room had to do. It actually stood there proud, happy and uneaten even after 3 days of me being there. I hope they know that theres normally a short expiration date on luxury chocolates.
Anyways, I finally introduced myself, handed over my gift and was in their home. I still had a head above my shoulders, no arrows in my back, no crucifix waiting for me across the room, so it was a complete success. I admit that my pride was well and truly crushed following the embarassing act of stepping into their house with my shoes on, but what can a foreign boy do eh?
The father told me to take a seat. It was 2pm, and therefore a great idea for him to start cracking open the beers. Even though it was early, and I missed lunch, I accepeted his offer of booze."I guess you like drinking, being from England eh?" he said with a smile."Yeah I guess so" was my answer. Normally to a friend my answer would be "Hell YES mother fucker, watch this canned bitch go down like Chinatown!", but I doubt he'd get the significance. I was tempted though trully.
He asked me if I wanted to be an ALT. Assuming this was a trick question guided at foreigners who work in Japan, I leaped back with a proud smirk and said: "A teacher? Nah not for me. I don't want to be a stereotype here, I wanna try and get a proper job here actually." Note: If you are reading this and are in the English Teaching field, then I mean no offense - I actually teach English part time and find it to be actually fun and rewarding. I only said it as a way to distance myself from typical foreigners in Japan in order to gain some extra points with him that were lost earlier. But unfortunately..His reply was:
"Ah really. Well I am a teacher and.."
Holy crap, it seemed that this wasn't going too well.
"...and some of my colleagues at my school are ALTs, they really are useful".
Double Holy Crap....
Luckily my girlfriend was here and understood the blunder I made, but knew I meant no offense by it (we've often talked about what I want to do here following graduation). She jumped into the conversation and justified my concept of not wanting to be a stereotype in Japan. Well...at least I think she did. I sure did hear the word "Stereotype" come from here mouth, but all the other stuff was too fast for me to get a read understanding of. So I just waited there and nodded, pretending I was understanding what she was saying whilst thinking "I hope she is actually defending me and not just talking about something completely different. Thankfully he smiled and let off a calm "あぁぁなるほど！", which was enough evidence to convince me that my tail was well and truly saved. Thanks Kozue, whatever you said.
From there I decided it would be in my best interests to sit there quietly drinking my can of cold Asahi and don't say a word until asked to. Also, only to respond with simple yes/no questions as opposed to the pretentious trife I attempted beforehand. It worked actually pretty well.The mother started asking me the same questions that the father did in the car on the way here (as you can see in the previous post). So like I did earlier on, I just said the exact same stuff as I did then. Perfect.A couple of hours (and a couple of beers) later, I was still sitting in the exact same spot waiting like a focused ninja for further interogating questions such as "Do you like Umeboshi" and such. Fortunately I think the mother got the point too that I had an interest in Japan. She headed to the kitchen and got dinner started. I sat there and continued to drink.
Now the next part won't surprise people that know me well. Everyone that knows me, knows pretty damn well that I love to fart. As soon as I feel friction in that area, I'll release with no hesitation to then self-award myself a score out of ten based on depth, pitch, tone and the general look of disgust from people around me. I had infact been holding one of my methanic mammoths in for at least an hour. I didn't quite have the courage to ask to use the toilet, so I held it in more. Another 20 or so minutes passed. God must have been looking down on me and knew I was in stress. I knew this as he sent down an angel in the form of a close neighbour who wanted to see Kozue. The whole family decided to leave the room and talk with him on the step, I decided not to go and it would make things weird for them...in other words, I didn't want to embarrass them by having my pasty white face and large nose block their nice conversation. This choice of my however, gave me a chance to look around the house for a toilet. After scrambling around, the father came back in and pointed me to the dirction of the toilet.
Right next to the entrance of the family home - where they were talking.
Also given the fact that Japanese walls are literally paper thin, I had a feeling that my anal belch would be heared and echoed. So a quick thinking me replied "Ah, thank you! I don't need to go now...but I just need to get something from my bag...uuupstairs" (Luckily my girlfriend put my belongings in her room during my interrogation). So I went up stairs, made sure every door and window was sealed, sat on the pillow that I would later be using as a place to place my head on when I go to sleep, and clenched.
All at last, an opening blast. The pillow's use as a silencer quickly became redundant. Luckily it would not be loud enough for the family to hear. But if I had chosen to use the toilet, it would have been a different story altogether. What with toilets having a round shaped pot that echoes sounds that travel within...yup you've guessed it...I've done my research on bassline waves and acoustics in the farting context. Call it strange, sad or just plain dumb, you have to admit that it actually saved me from further embarrassment (I'm considering how many time I've actually used that word in this entry).It had to be the best feeling ever. I actually stood there with my head held high in a somewhat gassy euphoria. I walked back down stairs, and to avoid confusion from the father, I entered the toilet - even though I didn't need to go. Closed the door, locked it and just sat on the pot for a couple of minutes. During that time I was thinking to myself whether they may have heared what I produced upstairs. I flushed and exited the bathroom and they were still talking casually as if nothing happened. I was safe, I think.
Right I've gone ahead of myself. Ill take a break and write more when I get time. Some more funny stuff to come involving; the dinner table, the grandparents and the trip they took me out on. Till then cheers!
Meet the Yamazaki's Part Two: Taming the Beast
5 months ago
